my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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