Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
