i think i have herpe
just one?
this just has baby written all over it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
