Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
