Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
