Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
