All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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