2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
