I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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