Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
