i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
