He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
