I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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