you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
