I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
