I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
