Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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