His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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