i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
