Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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