@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Alive.
So much puke
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
