i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
