you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
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I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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