we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
