sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
