Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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