apparently the secret to your success is patron
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
