she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
