I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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