I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you will always have a special place in my vag
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
