Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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