I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
