she woke up with a sticky ear
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
