I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
