I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
