I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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