the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
