I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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