If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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