When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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