we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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