What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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