Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
