You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
