Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
