i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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