I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
