you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
