The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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