Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
