Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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