Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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