Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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