Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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