some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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