I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
